when you become transparent…

when you become transparent, you back down to that relentless bitch…complete honesty.

she’s unforgiving and won’t waver, in case you’re wondering if your ED brain can outsmart her. you can’t lie because she will know. you can try and get by, telling yourself little “untruths” (another word for lies). it won’t work. the only way to REALLY become transparent is to be totally honest.

so, I am.

I’m honest with my friends and family. honest with my therapist. honest with myself (that’s the hard one). it feels good. I don’t have to remember the lies, and stay current with them. like Judge Judy says, “you don’t need to have a good memory, if you’re telling the truth.”

it feels really weird; I’ve been lying about my condition for so long to friends. ashamed of my illnesses. it’s liberating, to be committed to telling the truth about everything. how can I hope to raise awareness if I’m lying?

I’m bipolar and I have an eating disorder. it doesn’t seem so daunting, looking at the words on the screen. the words are small. they look “powerless.” but they haunt me in a huge and powerful way.

mental illness is invisible. it’s easy to stay quiet and try to deal with it. it’s insidious and debilitating, and without help (medication if needed, and therapy), you are in for a long, arduous struggle.

I chose to be honest. in my case, medication has made a huge difference in my life. I can think clearly and function “normally” in society. the meds help so much with the depression and the ensuing mania. the relief is AMAZING. I’m so grateful for this help. I wish I could put into words, the gratitude I have for the many doctors and nurses that have cared for me. it’s taken a while to receive the right combination of meds, but it seems things are working well for now.

I want to be part of the solution. and the only way I can think of is to share my truth and my struggle. being honest is it. maybe someone will connect with this. it’s my job as a writer to shed light where I can.

tell the truth. especially to yourself. it’s scary initially, but it grows confidence and integrity…that’s a good thing.