treading, oh so lightly

I’ve been here quite a few times. I’m negotiating every stealthy step. It’s really scary, at the beginning (again). it’s familiar, and I’m aware of every twist and turn. but there are slick rocks waiting for my wet bare foot to slip. this is before I was diagnosed with MS. my balance is unreliable though, even now. it is so beautiful, the beach early in the morning. the smell of the ocean, salty and sticky wind blowing through my hair…I feel wind tendrils kissing my face. and that SMELL! I know the way, and keep walking through piles of black, sun-dried sea vegetation that has collected like tumbleweeds along the coastline. it feels scratchy and hot on my toes. the sand is wet and cold, close to the water, and stretches out far. finally, I’m at the edge, and frothy, freezing waves rush up to my feet and calves….then, they abate and the undertow is crazy powerful! waves rush away as my heels dig in. my feet are buried in sand. I’m in deep; part of the beach. forgot, for a few short minutes, that I am sick. I don’t have the right to be here, in this life. I’m starting treatment AGAIN. I’m just so tired of the whole thing. Is there any reason for me to think that this time will be different?

I don’t know, but I’m going to try very hard. it feels different this time because I’m facing some hard truths. I am (for the first time), going to treat my ED like a personal relationship (jenni schaefer life without ed) and see how that works. I’m going to “break up” with this 40-year relationship, my ED. no longer going to allow Ed’s intrusive, debilitating thoughts to control me and hurt me. I am so tired. it’s impossible to describe how tired I am. it’s hard to be optimistic, but the approach is new, so a little bit of me has hope.

4 Comments

  1. I love everything about the beach.

    I’m glad you’re starting treatment again, glad you’re planning to break up with ED. It’s hard: as soon as you want to stop, the ED gets sweet as pie and makes all kinds of bullshit promises.

    Blessings and hope and support are being sent your way. 💗

    1. Em – thank you for the positive energy…trying to let it in, and pray for strength and courage. I’m waiting to hear back from two ED treatment possibilities. I don’t need inpatient…going for intensive outpatient (IOP), 3xweek, if I’m lucky. Hate the fact that the group is going to be mostly adolescent young girls, I think. We’ll see. Wil keep you posted. may I ask, do you work? what do you do? Just wondering. XOMichelle

      1. I mentioned once to my psychiatrist that group settings are not actually the best for ED, especially in the early days because we get competitive about the thinness.

        He had never considered that nor had any of the doctors or therapists he’d worked with. I find group difficult. I find adolescents difficult, mostly because I want to smack them and say, “look at me. This is you in four decades if you don’t cut this shit out.”

        I do very little. I’m on permanent disability for my eating disorder and mental illness. It’s not as thrilling one might think: I really struggle with feeling I’m worth something and am valid because of it.

  2. Em – although I can relate to you on all levels (ED brain, etc) – I think the feeling of being unworthy is the worst, for me. I don’t let anything good into my head. I too am on full-time disability (multiple sclerosis), and mental health (bipolar). Another thing we share! I feel connected to you (first person I feel this way about, using WordPress and Facebook, etc)…I want to thank you for accepting my text/email posts and responding. Do you think my site triggers? I worked hard NOT to appear as a do-it-yourself ED trainer. Can we please continue our correspondence ? Would you prefer to do it privately?

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