I’ve been here quite a few times. I’m negotiating every stealthy step. It’s really scary, at the beginning (again). it’s familiar, and I’m aware of every twist and turn. but there are slick rocks waiting for my wet bare foot to slip. this is before I was diagnosed with MS. my balance is unreliable though, even now. it is so beautiful, the beach early in the morning. the smell of the ocean, salty and sticky wind blowing through my hair…I feel wind tendrils kissing my face. and that SMELL! I know the way, and keep walking through piles of black, sun-dried sea vegetation that has collected like tumbleweeds along the coastline. it feels scratchy and hot on my toes. the sand is wet and cold, close to the water, and stretches out far. finally, I’m at the edge, and frothy, freezing waves rush up to my feet and calves….then, they abate and the undertow is crazy powerful! waves rush away as my heels dig in. my feet are buried in sand. I’m in deep; part of the beach. forgot, for a few short minutes, that I am sick. I don’t have the right to be here, in this life. I’m starting treatment AGAIN. I’m just so tired of the whole thing. Is there any reason for me to think that this time will be different?
I don’t know, but I’m going to try very hard. it feels different this time because I’m facing some hard truths. I am (for the first time), going to treat my ED like a personal relationship (jenni schaefer life without ed) and see how that works. I’m going to “break up” with this 40-year relationship, my ED. no longer going to allow Ed’s intrusive, debilitating thoughts to control me and hurt me. I am so tired. it’s impossible to describe how tired I am. it’s hard to be optimistic, but the approach is new, so a little bit of me has hope.