toxic relationships

toxic people only have power if you let them into your head. I’ve had several toxic relationships in my life, and I’ve found this to be true each time. I loved a narcissist for 4 years; this was the first one. he gaslighted me with lies about my mental health and support network. I quickly became an example of how this gaslighting happens. he used sex to manipulate me. I thought he loved me, and continued to pine for him after he left me for another woman. I continued our sexual relationship for 6 months after we broke up. my self-esteem was non-existent and I believed EVERYTHING HE TOLD ME. he told me he was “the best thing that ever happened to me.” I believed him. breaking away from him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. his hold over me was overwhelming…intense and consuming. it took a long time to recover, and I STILL have powerful dreams of him to this day. completely toxic.

I have another “friend” that is completely toxic. we’ve been “connected” a long time, and I can’t completely cut her out of my life because of mutual friends and acquaintances. So, I get by with semi-frequent posts and conversations. all virtual. she has made it very clear to me that I am not “qualified” (for lack of a better term) to be her “friend.” nothing in common, blah blah blah. she has no desire to “know” me, although she reads my posts on FB. I’ve tried so hard to “win her over” with praise and kindness, but she remains distant. so why don’t I just end it?

because I’m so eager to please. I want EVERYONE to love me. it doesn’t matter how you treat me. I will always be desperate for your love and approval. my self-esteem is so low that I will almost BEG for your acceptance. I’m a perfect friend for a narcissist. I will placate and compliment and worship…I can’t help it. this is MY disease. relationships like this reinforce my self-esteem…I am NOT worthy.

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