stop talking

have you ever been told “it’s all in your head?” on more than one occasion? I heard it often, in a very troubled relationship in my past. “quiet down,” “stop yelling!” “shut up.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I heard this litany, and much more all day/every day.

and I was FOREVER being shushed. being told to keep quiet. and being told to keep whatever it was to myself. I was told repeatedly to NOT SHARE ANYTHING WITH ANYONE. part of isolating me. controlling me.

there were also the constant put-downs and insults. “why are you writing? no one will ever read it. ridiculous waste of time.” “why do you care what they think?”

I just listened. and continued to write. why can’t I share? won’t others listen?

he hated when I talked with friends. felt threatened? loss of control? I think so. “they don’t give a shit about you, Michelle. you’re their charity case. they think you’re a waste.” he had much more to say, all along those same lines, about most everyone I knew.

he gaslit me for a long time. I didn’t know it until the end, hind sight being 20/20 and all.

glad I didn’t take his advice and disconnect with friends and family that loved me, and still do. it was hard to confront him and break away.

but I did.