I’m so sick of meds

I'm so sick of meds

I take medication three times a day, for different things. I also receive infusions, for multiple sclerosis. I’m on non-narcotic pain medicine, as well as psychiatric medicines for bipolar disorder. and high blood pressure medicine, and thyroid medicine.

it’s a lot.

but they all work. and with minimal side effects, which is lovely.

I wish I didn’t take so much, because I hate being “dependent” on pharmacological products to manage moods. but, the moods became unstable and unpredictable. wiithout medicine, it became impossible to function in the work place. and as my physical condition (MS) worsened, so did my emotional state. I could no longer do my job effectively due to visual and other specific neurological symptoms. I became fully disabled in 2001.

I’ve been awake all night. sweaty and full of anxiety. I am waiting for my health insurance to authorize refills on my bipoolar medicine, and anxiety medicine.. somehow I forgot to take care of this before I ended up in this situation. I’m usually on top of stuff like this, but everybody makes mistakes.

it’s scary, counting on medicine to make you feel “well.” I’ve been on them for 20 years. they have made such a difference in my life that I feel very nervous that somehow they’ll be “taken away” from me. I know this is silly, but when something like medication can make you feel so much better, you tend to “treasure” it. the memory of being in the throes of a full-blown manic episode is VERY strong. and then, dropping quickly into a DEEP deprsssion, which is the WORST.

I’m afraid of losing it. it took a very long time to come up with the exact pharmacological combination to help my illness. I was fortunate enough to work with a brilliant diagnostician/psychiatrist, who patiently prescribed a dozen different medications in various dosages, beforel I began to feel relief. this is something that I really don’t want to go through again, although I know you can build up a tolerance to certain medicines…I need to worry about that, but LATER. MUCH LATER.

fear is a strong motivator. I know what I need to do on my end….continue to go to therapy, and to keep writing. these two things are my lifelines..

aah, but the stigma! we haven’t even DISCUSSED the stigma associated with mental illness!

perhaps another time.

1 Comment

  1. I’m grateful that I never felt any particular resistance to medication. Nor any real stigma attached to a mental illness diagnosis. In my family. The world is different. It is hard, though, to get the meds working and balanced. I’m glad for you.

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