on boundaries and setting limits

Geez, I can’t believe I’ve been away from this blog so long. I’ve become very bad at setting limits. this is made evident by my latest obsessive/compulsion with freelance graphics. I was a marketing publications designer in my other life and marketing director during my full-time career. I’ve been away from it twenty years, but recently was presented with an interesting opportunity. A friend of my sister’s works with a non-profit, and needs graphic support. I jumped on it, as I have the skill set and the software to create.

I’ve been obsessing ever since.

I’m talking 10+ hours a day, breaking only for the rest room. not eating well at all. and this is all pro bono. I believe in the causes (Autism Awareness, and Global Cannabinoid Research Center), and have been creating up a storm. This means I’m doing the work they need done, but also creating dozens of drafts of stuff they haven’t asked for. they gave me full design control, which is really helpful with graphics.

But I can’t stop working.

It’s an instant gratification thing for me, in a lot of ways. I love creating graphic art. I am satisfied when I create something I see as beautiful. or meaningful. or helpful. I see fonts as art. and text as form. I’m exploring the intersection between image and text. making something beautiful out of the unity. it’s intoxicating and feels so URGENT! like I MUST get these bytes out into the world IMMEDIATELY. I pressure myself. Why?

I want credit. I want kudos. compliments. positive reviews. It’s what I need to feel complete. satisfied.

I am so needy, with such low self-esteem. Feeding this need depletes me, although I can’t stop doing it. I’m tired. when will it be enough? I mean, enough positive feedback…I’m so blessed to keep receiving it, but will it EVER be enough?

I hope so.

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