need to feel empty

sizing up my constant challenger – the blank page – armed and ready to taunt me relentlessly. I shamelessly relish the opportunity to step up to the plate.

taking a swing? now that’s something altogether different.

I’m the kind of writer that needs to have a prompt of some kind. I need the lightbulb over my head. it’s not the same for each piece. Say a title that I’ve been thinking about, or a photograph or graphic that speaks to me, or a response to some stimuli that my senses experience simultaneously… music, for example, is auditory, but it incites thought… images and words spring to mind for me, with music that I recognize.

but for me, it has a converse effect as well. one song can transport me to a moment I may not want to feel. certain songs remind me of living in the bathroom. Of not being able to stop purging. of having to ask my husband to pull over, AGAIN, so I can go to the bathroom. Again and again. the radio punctuating each stop with a song…I remember the last time I was riding as my husband’s passenger before he died. He was yelling at me and I was BEGGING God to help me hold it in until I got to the bathroom. George Harrison’s My Sweet Lord…made me pray. and I made it, just in time.

but this is no way to live.

since my husband’s passing in 2017, things have changed. I am no longer his passenger – he can’t bully me anymore. I’ve curtailed the purging behavior, since he’s been gone. riding in the car no longer poses terrible anxiety. I still get so nervous, before a car ride. I try to remember that I’ll be ok. it’s been a long time since I needed my driver to pull over immediately, so I could rush to the bathroom. I know that’s a good thing. something to be proud of. but all I feel is guilt. I should NOT have eaten that meal. I should swallow a handful of laxatives, and get rid of this horrible FULLNESS that I feel. I need the emptiness.

but it’s not OK, to need this emptiness. I know that. what does this mean for me? I only feel content, or “fulfilled” when I am paradoxically EMPTY? I feel like I’m doing something RIGHT when I am HUNGRY. I love to hear the grumblings of my stomach…positive reinforcement! Keep up the good work!

how do I re-program my brain to be healthy? I want to respond to my body’s messages of hunger; to feed it. but I do not want to lose the pride I feel when I am able to RESIST the hunger. I don’t know when I started to react this way…it just snuck up on me. Resisting became chronic.

I’m hoping to hear back from one of the treatment centers today. I’ll try again.

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