He died yesterday, May 27, 2017. I have felt him, in millions of ways, and have HEARD him a lot lately. This is a relatively “new” sensation. I can remember conversations with him (and that includes how he responded; if we laughed; whether we were in the car or not, etc)….all those things. But this past week, I have heard his “actual voice.” It started in my dreams. I “heard” him, and we talked about all kinds of things that I cannot for the life of me remember. But his voice…it was magical, and when I woke up, I found myself trying desperately to commit the sounds to memory. Please, please God, let me commit this voice to memory, so I will NEVER, EVER forget it! It’s power brings me enormous joy.
The sound of his laughter…I can remember that well, perhaps because we were fortunate enough to laugh A LOT. He joked constantly, and made me laugh all the time. We had 25 joyous years together (21 married), and for that I am extremely grateful.
But when cancer came, a great darkness cast it’s cloud upon us. I remember when we were in the doctor’s office, and he delivered the diagnosis. He gave Mark 4 months. Mark drew in a sharp, painful breath…I will never forget that sound. Tears began to flow, and I don’t remember anything else about that appointment.
It’s been 4 years now. I have felt him around me all the time, in so many ways. Certain songs will play, at different times, that remind me of him. I’ll hear something on TV that directly relates to him, or I’ll see something special. There’s a red cardinal that frequently sits on the power lines in the backyard, and my sister and I believe that’s Mark. He’s watching over me. I asked him to please “haunt me,” and he said he would, so he’s keeping his promise.
He helps me, in so many ways. When I’m down or depressed, he reminds me there is so much to be happy about. If I’m feeling sorry for myself because I’m his widow, and I have MS, he usually sends me some kind of “sign” to lift my spirits. Yesterday, I saw an old commercial on TV that we used to laugh about, and it really cracked me up! This happens frequently, and I know it’s Mark. He reaches out, every now and then, and I’m so glad.
I find myself looking forward to the “after life,” if I’m fortunate enough to end up there. I miss him so much, and would sure love the opportunity to see him again. He was such a fantastic, wonderful human being…I miss him terribly.
But how lucky am I? 25 years! I am trying to turn my grief into gratitude. I am grateful for the time I had with him. I give thanks every day.
Anniversaries are hard. The body remembers. I’m glad you are remembering, and feeling him, and finding some comfort. I have no comparison to your grief, and so can only offer my support and caring. 💗
Beautiful and heartfelt writing