eating disorder has been with me for 40 years. I’m used to how it feels…omnipresent in my life, it affects every part of my self-esteem and my opinion of myself. the bipolar diagnosis, however, is different. Up and down, unpredictable and upsetting…this “condition” is visceral. depression is insidious and seeps into every thought. mania is overwhelming. I can’t quiet my mind. I’m up all night. I’m obsessed, and possessed by explosive energy that feeds my mania like gasoline. the engine roars and I am speeding down neural highways, high on my thoughts. this could last an hour, or several days/weeks. I just don’t know. my eating disordered brain, however, is solid as a rock. it’s not explosive. it’s quiet. it doesn’t have to shout…we’ve been with each other for 40 years. I can hear it, low and rumbling, underneath my bipolar. ed is stronger, and hurts more than bipolar. it is always attacking me; the pain is constant. bipolar feeds on the pain, and initiates mania or depression. it is not predictable. for me, the two are symbiotic. they rip my mind to shreds so I cannot think rationally at all. OCD joins the party, and I’m a mess. meds aren’t helping today.