eating disorder has been with me for 40 years. I’m used to how it feels…omnipresent in my life, it affects every part of my self-esteem and my opinion of myself. the bipolar diagnosis, however, is different. Up and down, unpredictable and upsetting…this “condition” is visceral. depression is insidious and seeps into every thought. mania is overwhelming. I can’t quiet my mind. I’m up all night. I’m obsessed, and possessed by explosive energy that feeds my mania like gasoline. the engine roars and I am speeding down neural highways, high on my thoughts. this could last an hour, or several days/weeks. I just don’t know. my eating disordered brain, however, is solid as a rock. it’s not explosive. it’s quiet. it doesn’t have to shout…we’ve been with each other for 40 years. I can hear it, low and rumbling, underneath my bipolar. ed is stronger, and hurts more than bipolar. it is always attacking me; the pain is constant. bipolar feeds on the pain, and initiates mania or depression. it is not predictable. for me, the two are symbiotic. they rip my mind to shreds so I cannot think rationally at all. OCD joins the party, and I’m a mess. meds aren’t helping today.
I’m sorry. Eating disorders don’t get nicer with age: they stay horrible. I hope today was better. 🙂
Em – thank you! praying for better days! hope you are well! XO
Thank you 🙂
Em: are you struggling with anything right now?
Oh, that’s a long and complicated answer 🙂 I’m pleased, however, with my ED recovery progress of late.
Em – I know all about “long and complicated answers.” I’m happy to hear you’re pleased with current recovery. I’m trying to get there. The ED is ramped up, and although I’m not actively purging (I never binged), I have some kind of “variation/combination” of ED. sometimes I starve myself, sometimes I purge with laxatives, although I haven’t done that in about 5 months. I’m in therapy now. I’m actively seeking connection with other ED people, to further my progress on the path of recovery. Your blog is so beautiful. I’m working with the web designer I hired to revise my blog. I’m happy it’s out there now, but I want it to be beautiful. that makes a big difference, when searching out ED blogs.