ed/spring 2021

I have this love/hate relationship with summer. it’s terrifying to have to wear LESS clothing, because of the seasonal temperatures. it’s horrible to be SCARED of summer.

but I also LOVE summer. I like reasonably warm temps. and I love that it stays light later. I like fresh fruits and vegetables. laying by the beach, catching some rays. these are all good things, to me.

so, it’s hard to feel so conflicted as summer approaches. I have SO many cute clothes that have never been worn. but they all have self-imposed “rules” attached to them…”these shorts make me look fat,” “my arms are too exposed,” “those are too tight around the waist,” “that is a really bad color.” etc.

and I have yet to even ADDRESS the notion of a BATHING SUIT!

and so it goes. bulimia loves summer. she LOVES purging, anytime she can, season be damned. but it’s easier for me, in the summer. I eat more often (I don’t know why). fruits and veggies are so much more appealing to me, and they’re easy to eat, mostly guilt-free.

but hard to purge. so I stick to soup and stuff like that.

I keep track of what I eat daily (in my head). I don’t count calories or anything like that, but I remember what I’ve eaten during the whole day. I try to stay away from heavy stuff like meats and cheeses, and stick to light stuff like toast, salads and soups. they purge well.

this is my life, with my ED. I want to recover fully. if that means eating more without purging, I want to learn how to do that. I’ve done it before; I just don’t know how I did it. being part of an online community of people who GET IT, and understand my ED brain, is the first step for ME. once I open up to someone – ANYONE – and talk about what’s going on inside of me, I’ve found it to be INSTANTLY effective. it is uplifting, when you’re able to clearly and accurately describe how you’re feeling. it almost doesn’t MATTER if the person on the other end of the dialogue gets it completely or not (almost). it’s just DELIGHTFUL to find the right combination of words. for me, it’s exquisitely rewarding.

ANYWAY…

I am working very hard on not hating summer. it’s not earth’s fault that I need extra layers of clothing to feel protected and hidden. I dread climate change, but accept what’s happening with the universe. I just wish I could get a one-way ticket to “this is what’s left of winter,” where I could write all day, wearing all my cutest layers of clothes, declining all requests to FaceTime and accepting all requests for phone calls from friends. .imagination, and the element of surprise are so underrated. I would live in a handicapped-accessible cabin-style home, close to excellent medical care. Me, and my caregiver, would enjoy the peace and tranquillity of living away from the city (wherever we landed), and would be safe and comfortable.

I know that I’m not asking for much. as for money, my only concern would be that we have enough to be solvent and secure. maybe I AM asking for too much? I don’t know. I know I paid into the system, from age 14 until my disability 20 years ago…I earned my social security, and I’m grateful for it.

all this still doesn’t make me love summer, but i find shedding the “layers” of clothing that need to be removed for comfort is easier now. like the “disguise” they represent, they fall away easily. I’m not afraid anymore. it seems exposing myself in new ways promotes feelings of “wellness.”

what a lovely side effect!

I’ll take it.

Categories: Uncategorized

2 Comments

  1. I totally get the ambivalence. Even so far into recovery (and I feel good about that), loving this body is hard. And, I like weight on my body. A heavy coat is a good thing, keeps me calm. It’s hard to do that when the temperatures keep climbing. Great share.

  2. thank you Michelle. I really want to LOVE summer, but it’s not going to happen. incidentally, I’m from Maine, so cold is awesome. I love being cozy, which includes heavy sweats and warm blankets in a chilly environment. I like the AC on year round….heat is bad for MS, so this is probably an expected reaction. I can’t stand to be hot.

    thank you for understanding, Em….I love your shares.

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