what do I want more?

eat without guilt
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I don’t know what I want more….freedom, from my ED, or a body that society deems acceptable. it would be unbelievable to experience freedom from the disease...it’s been 40 years! I forget what it’s like, to be able to think freely without constant intrusive slams attacking every fleeting thought. and I forget what it’s like to eat without guilt. I would love to share a meal with my family, and feel like THEY FEEL! regular people, eating lunch together. I’d love to be able to participate in the conversation without being overwhelmed with food in my body. I can’t even hear what’s going on around me because I only hear my thoughts…FAT, HUGE, UNWORTHY, DISGUSTING…just to name a few. I want to disappear…to evaporate into nothing.

but what about the “reward”? if I don’t “keep” the food, I will not gain weight. i will simply go without, and the result is the body society deems acceptable. I can begin (again), to restrict. and punish. and DEPRIVE.

but that body…the one that is “society acceptable”…it’s not well. I’ve ruined my digestive tract with POUNDS of laxatives. and I am forever changed. I have permanently damaged the one body I was given.

so maybe the ED (body) isn’t the right choice.

I want the freedom. I’m sick of living in the bathroom. of being afraid, all the time…wherever I am. I really want to be able to ride in the car, without anxiety. To attend a function and NOT NEED to map out where the bathrooms are, ahead of time. FUCK that. I’m DESPERATELY sick of it.

sick enough?

we’ll see.

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