few know, or even understand, how absolutely omnipotent self-harming can be in the life of someone that is suffering. I have been self-harming a long time. whether it’s cutting, digging, picking, WHATEVER...I’ve been doing it a VERY long time. it started with my scalp, in elementary school. picking at my scalp until I removed skin, dragging it through my hair all the way to the bottom of the strands. I then examined the skin (huh…what do you know? it’s skin) and discarded it.. I just always had my hands in the hair on my head, digging and digging for more skin or blood, or both. it slowed down in junior high school, and only reappeared infrequently until the early 90s, when my eating disorder really kicked in. the discovery of laxatives, along with my eating restrictions, catalyzed the ED. I had embarked on a deadly journey, and gladly walked the path of self-punishment.
I began a new form of self-harming…tearing and ripping the dry skin off the heels of my feet. it was very painful, and bled a lot. a lot of the time I would stop and clean the raw skin to prevent infection. the sting was horrific and I relished it. but I would always start back up again. sometimes right after the cleaning, I would tear a little off the injury. just to make it look like it was healing. I would wear socks and sneakers, or regular shoes or sandals, but it always hurt SO much to walk, after the skin ripping session ended.
all my shoes have quarter-sized, squished bright red blood blossoms in the soles/heels.
Any old excuse to buy new shoes- – – but seriously, such gut-wrenching honesty and courage.
Thank you Krystal!