I was bullied later in life. in my 20s, in a “bad” relationship. he mocked me, and made fun of me in little, disparaging ways that weren’t obvious to others. he made belittling jokes, and they were so funny to everyone else. and I always laughed along, not knowing how doing that was chipping away […]
I’m a liar. so I’m saying this truthfully. let me explain. I’m a liar by omission, and also, by words. there was a time in my life (not recently) when I endured verbal abuse. it became, as I’m sure you can imagine, horrible to live with. I felt like a dog, being kicked over and […]
I know it’s annoying. do you know someone like me? I’m always apologizing, most of the time for things that have absolutely nothing to do with me or my actions. I believe it’s rooted in my insecurity and lack of self-esteem; that’s what all my previous counselors and therapists have said. I suppose it’s true. […]
Every time I see this beautiful pair of knees, I feel worthless. TRIGGERED, oh, yes. this is what I do. I grip and twist my flesh (fat) – I hate my body so much. this is my only recourse, given my faulty “equipment”. I remain standing as often as I can, because I can’t stand […]
I’m in that place where my body is empty and peaceful. after purging abuse and before more purging abuse. my sweet spot, it feels like I’m in a warm bath. I’m empty…the coveted reward for barely eating. floating above my physical body, with no mean critic telling me I need to empty more. it will […]
who is my audience? who am I writing for? I say it’s to reach others with familiar struggles. to “raise awareness.” I am sincere when I say this, but secretly wonder if it’s really for another reason. am I just writing for “likes”? do I bare my soul in these “blogs,” just for “positive (or […]
if you measure my worth…my WORTH as a human being, using my “body of work,” I’ll come up short every time. I just got the courage, in my late 50s, to have my writing be my truth. it’s so much harder than fiction! I can’t even bring myself to lie or embellish (stuff I’m REALLY […]
she’s very vain. proud, and very, very vain. at least that’s what they say. how ironic! she has zero self-esteem and is convinced she is totally unworthy of anything. it’s really not “vanity,” but her obsession with her weight, and her appearance. she’s brushing her hair in front of the mirror in her locker…brushing HARD […]
toxic people only have power if you let them into your head. I’ve had several toxic relationships in my life, and I’ve found this to be true each time. I loved a narcissist for 4 years; this was the first one. he gaslighted me with lies about my mental health and support network. I quickly […]
1990 no one knew. of course, how could they? it never happened in public. he was very careful. the abuse was saved for alone time. reserved for at home or in the car. my anxiety was through the roof, and I was constantly on “high alert”. “You’re NOT wearing that. we are not going ANYWHERE […]
“Who has to pee?” All hands went up, including mine. We were like cattle, the herd all moving toward the front of the room. I was starting to get used to the rules here and took my place in the back of the line. This was not the worst thing about being here, I thought, […]
I’m getting better. he better call me. I’ll do better next time. when am I going to feel better? I feel like I’m always waiting for better. when will it get here? I know I am getting “better” – but I’m not there yet. and how do I know this? by reading tons of articles/writings […]
