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He died yesterday, May 27, 2017. I have felt him, in millions of ways, and have HEARD him a lot lately. This is a relatively “new” sensation. I can remember conversations with him (and that includes how he responded; if we laughed; whether we were in the car or not, etc)….all those things. But this […]
it took a while, for me to discover that it was abuse. in the beginning, it just seemed to be good-natured ribbing, like you would do with a good friend. maybe not your girlfriend, but still it seemed innocuous. harmless even. that is until it WASN’T. the graphic in this piece is a fairly good […]
it was suggested to me by a professional that I have PTSD from the experiences I have endured in past years. Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a psychiatric disorder that may occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event such as a natural disaster, a serious accident, disturbing death of a spouse, a […]
have you ever been told “it’s all in your head?” on more than one occasion? I heard it often, in a very troubled relationship in my past. “quiet down,” “stop yelling!” “shut up.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I heard this litany, and much more all day/every day. and I was FOREVER being […]
I’ve been awake all night. sweaty and full of anxiety. I am waiting for my health insurance to authorize refills on my bipoolar medicine, and anxiety medicine.. somehow I forgot to take care of this before I ended up like this. I’m usually on top of stuff like this, but everybody makes mistakes. it’s scary, […]
for a very long time, I inhabited the world of UNdiagnosed, MISdiagnosed, and OVERmedicated. it’s a full-time job, pursuing affordable, qualified psychiatric care. and, when you finally find a doctor that takes your insurance, and is qualified to deal with the specifics of your illness(es), they’re not taking new patients. it’s a very involved process, […]
I’m a liar. so I’m saying this truthfully. let me explain. I’m a liar by omission, and also, by words. there was a time in my life (not recently) when I endured verbal abuse. it became, as I’m sure you can imagine, horrible to live with. I felt like a dog, being kicked over and […]
when you become transparent, you back down to that relentless bitch…complete honesty. she’s unforgiving and won’t waver, in case you’re wondering if your ED brain can outsmart her. you can’t lie because she will know. you can try and get by, telling yourself little “untruths” (another word for lies). it won’t work. the only way […]
this is my truth: I will ALWAYS have a “difficult” relationship with food. I hope I don’t always see it as my enemy. “adversary” is a better word. I have accepted that. my head is so utterly tired. I wonder if I’ll ever eat anything, EVER again, without hating myself afterwards. I really want to […]
yes, the rumors are true! I am working on becoming my authentic self. it just sounds SO appealing! to be stripped of all pretense and disguise. imagine being able to truthfully exclaim to no one in particular that you are, without a doubt, your complete and AUTHENTIC self. you may think to your authentic self […]
make it stop. I truly can’t take it anymore. I cannot take another single MOMENT trying to wrench the flesh off my bones with my bare hands. it HURTS. purple-red fingerprint bruises bloom on my fat arms and my thick waist. I hear my body tell me how fat I am. my eyes can’t unsee […]
1990 no one knew. of course, how could they? it never happened in public. he was very careful. the abuse was saved for alone time. reserved for at home or in the car. my anxiety was through the roof, and I was constantly on “high alert”. “You’re NOT wearing that. we are not going ANYWHERE […]
