after being unceremoniously discharged from my psychiatrist/therapist of over 20 years, I’m in the business, once again, of interviewing a new therapist (I’ve found a psychiatrist). I’ve got Medicare and it’s covered…just need to find one that participates with Medicare. Not too hard, but it’s the rapport and the relationship that I’m looking for. I’ve […]
I was bullied later in life. in my 20s, in a “bad” relationship. he mocked me, and made fun of me in little, disparaging ways that weren’t obvious to others. he made belittling jokes, and they were so funny to everyone else. and I always laughed along, not knowing how doing that was chipping away […]
admit to it and commit to it. this is not a diet slogan. at least not in this writer’s mind upon writing. I’m referring to constant grabbling and pulling, like the kind in this image. admit that you do it it’s not easy, I know. behavior like this is so off-the-charts mental illness/body shaming/bdd/self-harming…who would […]
this is my truth: I will ALWAYS have a “difficult” relationship with food. I hope I don’t always see it as my enemy. “adversary” is a better word. I have accepted that. my head is so utterly tired. I wonder if I’ll ever eat anything, EVER again, without hating myself afterwards. I really want to […]
make it stop. I truly can’t take it anymore. I cannot take another single MOMENT trying to wrench the flesh off my bones with my bare hands. it HURTS. purple-red fingerprint bruises bloom on my fat arms and my thick waist. I hear my body tell me how fat I am. my eyes can’t unsee […]
Every time I see this beautiful pair of knees, I feel worthless. TRIGGERED, oh, yes. this is what I do. I grip and twist my flesh (fat) – I hate my body so much. this is my only recourse, given my faulty “equipment”. I remain standing as often as I can, because I can’t stand […]
I don’t know what I want more….freedom, from my ED, or a body that society deems acceptable. it would be unbelievable to experience freedom from the disease…it’s been 40 years! I forget what it’s like, to be able to think freely without constant intrusive slams attacking every fleeting thought. and I forget what it’s like […]
I’m in that place where my body is empty and peaceful. after purging abuse and before more purging abuse. my sweet spot, it feels like I’m in a warm bath. I’m empty…the coveted reward for barely eating. floating above my physical body, with no mean critic telling me I need to empty more. it will […]
she’s very vain. proud, and very, very vain. at least that’s what they say. how ironic! she has zero self-esteem and is convinced she is totally unworthy of anything. it’s really not “vanity,” but her obsession with her weight, and her appearance. she’s brushing her hair in front of the mirror in her locker…brushing HARD […]
“Who has to pee?” All hands went up, including mine. We were like cattle, the herd all moving toward the front of the room. I was starting to get used to the rules here and took my place in the back of the line. This was not the worst thing about being here, I thought, […]
7:52am, NOVEMBER 12, 1990 I knew there’d be people outside with signs. It was 8 in the morning, and we were parking in a covered lot. It was very cold. I looked at him from the passenger seat and desperately tried to think of something…ANYTHING to say that would make him love me. “You know…. […]
