after being unceremoniously discharged from my psychiatrist/therapist of over 20 years, I’m in the business, once again, of interviewing a new therapist (I’ve found a psychiatrist). I’ve got Medicare and it’s covered…just need to find one that participates with Medicare. Not too hard, but it’s the rapport and the relationship that I’m looking for. I’ve […]
I’ve been awake all night. sweaty and full of anxiety. I am waiting for my health insurance to authorize refills on my bipoolar medicine, and anxiety medicine.. somehow I forgot to take care of this before I ended up like this. I’m usually on top of stuff like this, but everybody makes mistakes. it’s scary, […]
I take medication three times a day, for different things. I also receive infusions, for multiple sclerosis. I’m on non-narcotic pain medicine, as well as psychiatric medicines for bipolar disorder. and high blood pressure medicine, and thyroid medicine. it’s a lot. but they all work. and with minimal side effects, which is lovely. I wish […]
for a very long time, I inhabited the world of UNdiagnosed, MISdiagnosed, and OVERmedicated. it’s a full-time job, pursuing affordable, qualified psychiatric care. and, when you finally find a doctor that takes your insurance, and is qualified to deal with the specifics of your illness(es), they’re not taking new patients. it’s a very involved process, […]
I am falling apart. it’s agony. mental illness physically hurts me. torments me every day. I’ve been scratching and digging my head and considering peeling skin off my feet. I need to feel something different from mental pain. bleeding would be good too. but I can’t. I am purposefully surrounded by my family. they are […]
I’m a liar. so I’m saying this truthfully. let me explain. I’m a liar by omission, and also, by words. there was a time in my life (not recently) when I endured verbal abuse. it became, as I’m sure you can imagine, horrible to live with. I felt like a dog, being kicked over and […]
when you become transparent, you back down to that relentless bitch…complete honesty. she’s unforgiving and won’t waver, in case you’re wondering if your ED brain can outsmart her. you can’t lie because she will know. you can try and get by, telling yourself little “untruths” (another word for lies). it won’t work. the only way […]
yes, the rumors are true! I am working on becoming my authentic self. it just sounds SO appealing! to be stripped of all pretense and disguise. imagine being able to truthfully exclaim to no one in particular that you are, without a doubt, your complete and AUTHENTIC self. you may think to your authentic self […]
1990 no one knew. of course, how could they? it never happened in public. he was very careful. the abuse was saved for alone time. reserved for at home or in the car. my anxiety was through the roof, and I was constantly on “high alert”. “You’re NOT wearing that. we are not going ANYWHERE […]
“Who has to pee?” All hands went up, including mine. We were like cattle, the herd all moving toward the front of the room. I was starting to get used to the rules here and took my place in the back of the line. This was not the worst thing about being here, I thought, […]
my depression is here again. depression so thick and sticky, like molasses. my whole mind and body overwhelmed with feelings of unworthiness. this is what bipolar is. its up and down, depressed and manic. sure, the meds help a LOT. but it’s the nature of the disease. pair it with an eating disorder and you’ve […]
7:52am, NOVEMBER 12, 1990 I knew there’d be people outside with signs. It was 8 in the morning, and we were parking in a covered lot. It was very cold. I looked at him from the passenger seat and desperately tried to think of something…ANYTHING to say that would make him love me. “You know…. […]
