still married?

I took vows. until death do us part. does that mean that because he’s gone, I’m not married anymore? I guess that’s true. he has moved on to a different plane of existence, without me. but why does it have to be that I’m not MARRIED anymore? why do I have to be a widow? I miss him, but I still feel committed to him. I have no interest in pursuing another guy.

I’m still here. I’m not dead, so I don’t think “till death do us part” applies. he was taken from me way too soon. cancer sucks, and it doesn’t care if you were a “great person,” or if you were loved by MANY. it doesn’t care about ANYTHING except killing. so I’m left alone, to go on as best I can.

so unfair.

are you still married, woman on beach

I’m left here, and must find “purpose” and “meaning” in what remains. I still love. my family and friends are supportive and caring, but pain still hurts. I lost my life partner. my VERY best friend. my physical caregiver, and my emotional support. the unwavering love…the COMFORT of marriage. the RELIABILITY of marriage. I could COUNT ON IT.

now I just feel lost. he always came up with fun plans. stuff he would work out ahead of time, always checking walking distances and handicapped accessibility. he took very good care of me, and I NEVER took it for granted.

but now he’s gone.

I think I’ll remain committed to him and my marriage, until I’m gone. that’s not to say I’m in “mourning,” or shutting myself off in any way. I receive love and. support from my family and friends – I just miss HIM. his presence. his attention. I’ll never have that again, and I’m consumed with sadness. I allow myself to feel it, but not melt into it. he wouldn’t want that for me. he was all about happiness and humor. I have so many INCREDIBLE memories…LOTS that make me laugh. I call on some of these memories when I’m sad, and they help.

but still, he’s gone. nothing has changed. most of the time I pick up my laptop and write something about us or our history, and I feel better. CLOSER to him.

it’s like a part of me has been severed – I remain, bloody and wounded.


  1. People like to say things like “get over” or “move on”. As though, if you don’t do it they way they would, or the way this week’s magazine article says you should, you aren’t. Relationships are complicated. Abusive relationships are very complicated. Because, abuse isn’t the only things that’s there. It’s okay to make your choices and be happy with them. The only thing that doesn’t work is staying static. We’re oddly like sharks – we have to keep moving. 💗

  2. He’s gone yet u say nothing has changed. He was all about happiness? Consider these two statements, the second one is your default about him, now a question (happiness?- he suffered from semi-self-imposed and terminal not-good-enoughness)and the first- I am reflecting and asking- he is gone but nothing is different? ❤️

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