I don’t know what anything means anymore. recovery? wellness? I don’t know. all I know is how I feel, and I feel BETTER.
Better. there’s that word again. for me, better is about feeling less sad. less depressed and melancholy. just LESS of the bad stuff. and more good stuff. I am in a “better” frame of mind in general, which I HAVE to attribute to the bipolar medicine. depression is lifting, and I’m finding I ENJOY more things. music, television, etc….I can’t wait for my attention span to get “better” (longer) so I can read some of the novels that I’ve collected.
and there’s the writing. that feels great. I’m happy to choose words and sentence structure…I love doing that.
and RECOVERY. I think I’m in it, with respect to the eating disorder. it’s a work in progress, but it has begun. I’m eating meals and not purging. getting psychiatric help, and taking medication for bipolar disorder (and other medical issues). I guess that is considered “in recovery.”
but I still have all that negative self talk. I still twist and wrench at my flesh, when overwhelmed with self-hatred. I still think I’m fat and disgusting. this is FAR FROM RECOVERY.
so where am I? I don’t know. wellness? who knows. recovery? maybe. I just like feeling peaceful. and calm.
I’ll take it, for now. for as long as it lasts..